On Grief & Moldy Bathrooms

My 90 year old grandfather died two weeks ago.

I was right in the middle of dinner when my dad called to tell me the news. I kept stirring the pot of sauce, wiping my tears and blowing my nose, and stirring. (we may have eaten actual tears that night)

It’s weird how I needed something to do while my soul was desperately sad.

Just keep stirring.

My kids slowly congregated around me with worried looks, while the dumb dog refused to go outside, and jumped up and scratched my lip, leaving blood to mingle with my salty tears.

I was a mess.

Death never makes a pleasant entrance.

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More than two weeks later, my heart is still tender. Flashbacks of the casket being lowered into the dirt still choke me up. A million thoughts parade around in my head, wandering all the way back to my childhood. But words to express them are slow to come.

Until then, the normal, regular things of life greet me with a kiss, filling in the empty spaces and allowing me time to sort out my loss. Focusing on the here and now, things I can touch with my fingers, somehow helps the healing process.

In case you need a change of scenery too, here’s what I’ve been up to:

Social Media–I greatly diminished my presence on social media, temporarily. Sometimes I feel smothered by everyone else’s life and I need a break. I moved those apps to the last page on my phone to make it harder for me to get sucked in, a welcome relief.

Reading–I had two very long travel days last week. I read this book on the way to Pennsylvania, and this book on the way back. The first book left me longing to slow down my days and embrace the present. The second book stirred up thoughts about the church and missions I have totally felt before, but never voiced them. But it also left me uneasy with the current trend to step away from  the Gospel as a word and focus more on social justice.

Smelling–God gave me a nose of a hound dog. Not to complain, but it’s both a blessing and a curse. This ultra-sensitive nose led us to figure out that there was mold behind the upstairs bathroom walls. Which in turn has deemed the upstairs a construction zone. Walls have been knocked out and replaced. Demolition of the tile begins soon too, because this dumb nose still smells a smell.

Thankfully, my nose smells other things too, which is why I’m addicted to the Gud body cream but I’m dying because I can’t find my favorite scent anywhere and mine is almost gone! Any of the scents are lovely though. Also, my house smells mighty fine because I bought this wall plug with this scent and I’m loving it.

Looking at–white subway tile and these cute bathrooms.

Watching–I hate telling you what I watch on my own time for fear that it will lower your respect for me. But I’m living life on the edge–so while you’re running on the elliptical machine, try Cedar Cove, or Hart of Dixie, or Longmire, all on Netflix. The first two I don’t dare watch with Luke because they are total Hallmark shows. Cedar Cove is basically a soap opera, without the sex scenes (those are understood). Longmire, however, every now and then needs a click of the fast forward button.

Eating–Let’s just face it, anytime my life feels out of whack, I make Chocolate Chip cookies. Any tiny happening justifies this recipe.

Around the web

~This article made me think hard about whether or not I obey the actual words of Jesus.

~Hospitality becomes so much more than what you have in your home, and Edie’s written a book about it that I’ve already pre-ordered (having a book budget is so lame).

~My sister in law sent me this article and I actually agreed with what she said–I’m all about being real, but we can’t only be real about our messy house, we need to be real about our struggles with actual sin and help encourage each other to live Godly, self-disciplined lives.

Listening to–Christy Nockels and Coldplay. You can make your own judgments about my music selection.

Doing–I guess when I’m down in the dumps, I redecorate? Because I redecorated my living room wall and I’m loving it. I also sewed a new shirt for myself with this pattern, although I haven’t worn it yet because I’m not sure if I love it.

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see my wall back there? also, our amazing friends who cooked dinner with us…

Not Doing–dusting the blinds or the fans, cleaning the upstairs bathroom, making wholesome and nutritious breakfasts (pancakes on a stick anyone?), cutting out sugar from my diet, eating more vegetables, walking the dog, fitting into last year’s jeans.

Next week, on Tuesday to be exact, I’ll be sharing my thoughts about Falling Free, and giving one, or two, or three of it away, depends on my mood…

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