There are just days where you escape to the privacy of the bathroom, sit on the toilet, and pray that Jesus would please please please fill you with grace, because your flesh is weak and you don’t really want to be brave and kind today.
Do you ever have those days?
I wish I could say it doesn’t happen all that often, but I’d be painting a picture that just isn’t real. It seems like it’s happened a lot lately, where I feel this battle of the flesh–the negativity of my heart, the internal complaints, the struggle to believe the best and not be bitter–it all sits heavily right there in the middle of my heart sometimes and I feel strapped to it.
I feel I can’t relinquish it no matter how hard I pray and try to preach to myself.
Because I do know the truth, and I do know what the right words are and the right theology to speak into my own heart. But sometimes it’s like my mind, heart, and tongue go bone dry and I can’t even draw out a tiny droplet of truth against the strong emotions of my heart.
I don’t want to be so easily offended–I wish I could say Junior High was in the past, I’m so over that. But the truth is I do get offended even when I’m trying so hard not to.
I do get my feelings hurt even when I know it was totally unintentional and I really do know there was no malice at all.
And then I’m raging on the inside because I want to do the right thing in my heart but it seems to speak so loud–this internal battle of truth versus lies.
I’m so thankful that this world, this life, my flesh, my weaknesses–all these things are not the end. We have an eternity of perfectly perfect, grace filled relationships and responses to look forward to. We have the face of Jesus to look forward to. We have peace to look forward to.
It may not be accomplished this side of eternity, but there are glimpses of this perfect kingdom, even here and now.
Oh for the grace to get over my self, to live small and see God and others as big. To be content with being unknown and behind the scenes and to allow for fame to be given to His Name and not my own.
Oh for the grace to see His strength spilling into the crevices of my life, to feel Him guiding me like a shepherd, to sense my own sheep-like weaknesses and to embrace the bosom of my Shepherd, His steadying hand and His gracious staff. To walk in His meadows and live in His light.
Day by day.
*I wrote this a few weeks ago, but it still resonates with me.